The Driving Insane

My coworker (of the muffin man incident) went to gas up her car. The station was quite busy with lines at every pump. After a few minutes she realized the guy in front of her was not pumping gas. When he got out of his car and proceeded to wash his windows she recognized him as The Farter. She waited while he washed his windows, but when he started washing the body of the car with the little gas station squeegee, she decided he needed some incentive to move on.

She asked him to please move so she could get gas. He didn't respond. Another lady seconded her request. Then a man stepped in and told him he needed to get his car out of the way. Finally the guy got in his car and moved it a tiny bit forward; not enough for any one else to use the pump. The other lady said, "What's he doing? Why isn't he moving his car?" Loud enough for the Farter to hear, my friend said, "Because he's an asshole."

The Farter finally spoke up and defended himself: "Actually I'm from very good stock."

What? Livestock?

A couple of teenage girls try to tell me how to do my job. So why do you need my help again? Later a pre-teen boy does the same thing. I know him to be rather intelligent, so I use the search he suggested anyway. It didn't work any better than my idea.

My coworker walked past a guy just as he was breaking off a piece of the nice, moist muffin sitting in front of him. Pieces of it were falling onto the freshly steam-cleaned floor. "No food in the library," she said.

A few minutes later, he came up to the desk to inquire insolently if that meant "no food in the library" or "no eating in the library" because he said, "I was not eating it. I was just getting it out so I could get my books out."

Then he walked by a few minutes later and said, "Well, I'm just going outside to throw my muffin in the trash."

Ok, sure. Whatever.

Here's a very intersting list by a deceased librarian.
Lies They Tell Us At Library School.

A lady told me to "put this title and author in [the computer] and find another book like it."
I tried to explain that if I put a specific title and author in, I would only get THAT PARTICULAR BOOK as a result.
She said, "Well, I'm looking for another one like this that is by two doctors."
Ok, I can work with that.

A teenager asked me for a temporary internet pass.
Me: What's your last name?
Him: Uh........Jones?
Me: First name?
Him: Uh.......I'm not sure. Whatcha got?
Me: I'm asking you what your name is.
Him: Oh.....Jacob.

Now see? That wasn't so hard was it?

Whiney Woman: [big sigh] Who ripped off a waste basket? There used to be one here for years and years. [sigh]

I found out tonight that for some inexplicable reason, the janitorial staff had stacked the trash cans and left them in a storage room under a stairwell. They are now fused together. I guess they were tired of emptying them. The recycle trash cans in some departments went unemptied for a month or more.

Man: "I was wondering if you were hiding the [neighboring city] phone book."

Yes, we were bored.

Young male caller: "Do you have a book for a 1999 Cadillac Catera blipty blop?"
Me: What kind of book?
YMC: "Like electrical repair and stuff diggety doo."
Me: Yes, we have Mitchells and Chiltons.
YMC: "That should do it. Can I check them out Doodidoo?"
Me: No, but you can make copies.
YMC: "And how much are copies these days jigety do?"
Me: 15 cents.
YMC: "I'm just a poor college student, but I'll see if I can handle that. doodileep. bye!"

He showed up at the desk, looking nothing like what I expected. He was tall, had on clean clothes, and a nice haircut. He looked like a Mormon out of uniform. He didn't seem to recognize my voice from the phone when he asked the same question again.

I left the desk to lead him to the car repair manuals and he followed behind with a happy "va-voom!" I noticed he left without making any copies.

I am not making this up. I swear on the AACR2.

Caller: Do you have books?
Ref Lib: Yes, what are you looking for?
Caller: Anything.

We recieved a visit from our exuberant friend who is going to invite us to her going-away party sometime next year. She only talks in one volume and finds life in general to be hysterically funny. Consequently, she cackles constantly. It's really quite amusing.

She wanted us to order a cd for her by Sam, Sham, and the Pharoahs, titled Red Riding Hood. She said, "It's about me. I'm going to dye my hair red like Josephine" and pointed to me. She thinks that's my name.

My coworker was helping her, but I joined in about the the name and said I was not familar with them. She said, "That was back before you were born. You weren't a twinkle in your mom's...I'll explain the birds and the bees later." She thought that was so funny she repeated it several times to passers-by, and cackled uproariously.

The Conspiracy Theorist's Impossible Question of the Day:

CT: I need to know about blood lines.
Beleagered Librarian: Which ones?
CT: All of them.
BL: You're going to have to narrow it down.
CT: European blood lines.
BL: And what did you need to know about them?
CT: Everything.
BL: CT, You know that's not possible. Come on.

Due to the magnitude and unending nature of his needs, he has been given a quote of one question per hour. I guess he tries to ask the broadest question possible in hopes of getting more information per question.

A homeless-looking young man wanted information on squatter's rights.

Ten minutes later, a woman asked for a map delineating all the land in the county by private ownership, county ownership, and public property. She was looking for a place to park her camper for free while she was working.

I don't think we have such a map. Fortunately, my long-winded coworker handled that one. He baffles people with his explanations to the point that they just give up and leave. Gotta love it.

After walking a couple through the computer sign-up process (with great difficulty), the smelly man commented, "A paper sign-up sheet would be a lot easier."

I inadvisedly answered, "Not for us."

He replied, "Well, it's supposed to be for us."

Which, of course, is true, but what people don't realize is that in the long run it would cause more problems for them too. We avoid most (but not all) arguements by having the booking software.

But not all.

Shortly after that we had a big brouhaha over some mix-ups in reservations with two people claiming to have reserved the same computer at the same time, but with neither reservation showing up on the schedule. Ugh.